I understand that being unemployed and having to move back in with relatives can cause a lot of stress, and I really do have a lot of sympathy for anyone going through this, and especially for those who don’t have the safety net of family and friends to fall back on. But this recent article in the New York Times, while clearly designed to highlight the stresses of moving back in with your parents, really illustrated the stresses of moving back in with your parents when you’re all assholes. I know that’s harsh, but let me provide some evidence.
The story opens with a litany of impatience, short-tempers, and passive aggresiveness:
A nudge from Kathy Maggi for her 26-year-old daughter, Holly, to clean her room sparks a blow-up; an offhand comment by Jim Maggi about the way bills come in “month after month” to his daughter’s fiancé, James Wilson, causes days of smoldering; a bite of a chocolate bar from Grandma to 21-month-old Madison leads to frustrated chatter behind closed doors about “Nana” and “Pawpaw” spoiling her.
Then there is the fiance’s frankness in speaking with the reporter. Now you may be interested in honestly sharing your tale of woe with the nation, but keep in mind you’re going to still be living with them tomorrow when the paper arrives, and will probably be sitting across from them at the breakfast table when they read this:
“I liked her family when we weren’t here,” said Mr. Wilson, who has struggled to mesh his more reserved personality with the garrulousness of Ms. Maggi’s family. “Now that we’re here, I don’t like them. I feel bad about it. I don’t think it’s their problem, or something that can be helped. It is what it is.”
Saying it’s not something they can help doesn’t really sugar coat “I don’t like you”.
And there’s this:
Over time, Kathy Maggi’s regular chirping about how to deal with Madison and her sometimes-differing approach — she prefers, for example, not to let her granddaughter cry, even though Mr. Wilson and Holly Maggi sometimes think she needs to — has rankled Mr. Wilson. “I don’t think she feels Madison is safe when she’s with me,” he said.
I’m not a parent, but maybe what’s going on here is that the grandparents just don’t feel like listening to the little girl cry all the time? If I had a houseguest whose child was frequently crying, I think I’d also probably start hinting that maybe they should encourage her to give it a rest too. Also the last sentence makes Mr.Wilson an asshole if he’s wrong, and the grandmother an asshole if he’s right.
And here, halfway through the second page, is the kicker:
….the couple spend most of their time in their bedroom, with Madison dashing in and out. Most of their possessions, including a 75-gallon fish tank with two giant South American cichlids and a South American catfish, occupy a second bedroom.
What?! You brought your catfish with you? I would gladly extend my home to a relative on hard times, but not to their god damned catfish and 75-gallon fish tank. Sell that thing and use the money to pay some bills so the grandfather doesn’t have to keep passive aggressively mentioning how the bills keep coming “month after month”.
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Friday ~ December 31st, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Rick Russell
Sell the tank. I can think of another use for the fish. Somebody heat up the deep fryer!
Friday ~ December 31st, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Jim
If her parents are assholes, I’m pure evil.
The daughter:
Age 26
1 Kid
Not married
Financial status: Evicted from her house and drowning in debt.
She wants to move back home rent free, with her jobless moody boyfriend, a Pit bull, baby & 75-gallon fish tank! And they won’t even cough up for some lousy bills.
F**k you princess! Drop the baby of for a few months, while your man & you get your shit together.
Saturday ~ January 1st, 2011 at 6:53 am
White Rabbit
Well, realistically, a used 75 gallon fish tank wont fetch more than $50-$75 unless it’s some special build. (You can even get a new one for $1 per gallon, if you search hard enough.)
Selling it wont make a dent financially.
As with regard to small children and crying: yes, older people are more sensitive to higher frequencies, but also, grandparents are perma-spoilers of grandchildren. Which is perfectly fine, unless they are perma-spoiling grandchildren 24/7 … If granny is always there to slip the kid a chocolate bar when mommy says no it will seriously erode the parent/child relationship.
Anyway, a family moving back to parents has social conflicts pre-programmed for most families, even without any of the parties being assholes. This is a simple fact of life.
It most definitely will not improve the productivity and efficiency of the economy – it just makes two more families suffer – now from each other.
Sunday ~ January 2nd, 2011 at 2:38 pm
Stephan
>”Recession hitting assholes especially hard” ???
Don’t think so. Haven’t heard stories about all these mainstream economists loosing their job due to their sheer incompetence. These “Great Moderation” jerks are still all over the place?
Monday ~ January 3rd, 2011 at 1:50 am
Modeled Behavior: Recession hitting assholes especially hard | Hotel George
[...] just amplifying their true [...]
Monday ~ January 3rd, 2011 at 10:56 am
Tim Carney
Adam, I think you misunderstand the crying thing, as indicated by your notion the parents should “encourage [the child] to give it a rest.” I doubt the parents are happy with the kid crying as a pastime. More likely, the kid is crying because she wants something — such as a chocolate, or to not be in bed. As a parent, there are often two choices. The easy route is to shut them up and give them what they want. Sometimes being a good parent means letting them cry and hopefully learn they don’t get everything they want.
Tuesday ~ January 4th, 2011 at 8:11 am
Adam Ozimek
Tim,
I sort of take your point in that sometimes parents have to choose between let them cry or give them what they want, and shutting them up isn’t an option. But sometimes parents have the choice of threatening the child with punishment, like going to their room, or just letting them cry it out, so to speak. And sometimes you don’t know which it is. But in either case, when you’re a guest in someones house you should be willing to either give in or threaten with punishment more quickly if your child’s crying becomes an annoyance to the people with whom you’re staying.
I’m picturing this: little girl throwing a tantrum in the kitchen, father sitting reading newspaper ignoring it, grandfather says “aren’t you going to do something?”, father replies, “nah, just let her cry it out”. Like I said, I’m not a parent, but I’ve certainly seen many cases of parental indifference to a child’s tantrums which is easily classified as “rude”.